British writer and Nobel Prize winner Rudyard Kipling declared: “If you can keep your head when everyone around you is losing theirs and blaming you… Yours is the earth and everything in it… ( extracted from If, 1895).

I woke up yesterday morning expecting a great day. Meetings and a 45-minute swim in the morning, followed by an afternoon of productive writing. Little did I know that by 10am the elements of my day would start to unravel and by sundown I would be battling frustration and hopelessness.

This was not a manic-depressive or personality disorder, but the kind of day we all have from time to time. We slip up doing the right things and are surprised by things that are out of our control. It could be a car breakdown, a misbehaving child, a supervisor’s decision, a financial blow, criticism, or illness. We did not expect these things or plan for them. Frankly, we don’t feel like we deserve them. Sometimes life seems unfair.

We can react to these stressors in various ways. Many people I know are socially closed and withdrawn into themselves. Others express their frustration through anger or passive-aggressive behavior.

Our typical human reactions only add to the problem. In fact, we become the problem of others. We become people who are “losing their minds and blaming others.”

How does this affect our ability to achieve goals? Pretty obvious, right? When we feel angry, depressed, or frustrated, we certainly don’t feel motivated. We focus on the pain and our circumstances and not much else.

Things happen. Sometimes they have causes you can identify, sometimes you don’t. Psychologists have identified many biases in our thinking when trying to identify causes. For example, when others make mistakes, we tend to believe that it is due to something about themselves or their character (they are greedy, clumsy, selfish, stupid, etc.). When we make a mistake, we tend to believe it’s due to the environment (I didn’t give it enough time, the dog ate my homework, etc.). Do you see the bias here?

Four general tips to keep your head

• When something bad happens, study your emotional reaction. How does it make you feel? Be curious, study it like a scientist would. He thinks, “I’m feeling angry right now” instead of “I’m so angry.” This will help you be more objective. Be honest with yourself.
• Avoid blaming. You really don’t know what motivates that other person. Can you even be sure that she is aware of what she did? She maybe she meant well. Maybe she is having a bad day. She maybe she couldn’t help it. Maybe they really wanted to hurt you. But save the analysis and reaction for when you are calm.
• Separate the person from the problem. This is a principle from Fisher and Ury, Getting to Yes.
• When faced with a challenge, focus on how to handle it, not how to get back at it. Keep calm. Take a deep breath, go for a walk, talk to a trusted friend. Do those things that help you keep your head.

What things make you lose your mind? How do you keep your head when everything around you is losing its head?