There is a hidden source of power or pain that many people often do not address. The truth is that expectations can have a far-reaching impact on the way people live their lives and the benefits they reap along the way. Expectations are assumptions about the future, what will or should happen, and they can profoundly influence your relationships, your self-confidence, your happiness, and your ability to navigate your path in life.

What a huge mistake it is to ignore, deny, or simply cling to expectations that have little or nothing to do with how things really work. Expecting too little or too much, or expecting inappropriate things of ourselves, other people in our lives, and the world we live in, can cause utter chaos and confusion. What a thorny labyrinth!

Unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment, ineffective behavior, and even depression. Remember this phrase: Expectation less reality = frustration! Changing your expectations to ones that are smart and adaptable will help you a lot, and it’s not as hard as you might imagine. Doing so involves paying careful attention to both reality and possibility, flexibly negotiating the two over and over again. By choosing carefully, your expectations can lead to powerful plans and behaviors.

What to expect from yourself: the “dos”

Expect to have a wonderful future, to achieve many of your goals and dreams.

Be an optimist! One of the key components of optimism is the belief in your own power to improve your life and your future. Optimism has to do with positive and positive beliefs, expectations, choices and strategies, with knowing that you are responsible for your life and your dreams.

As a psychologist, I come across many people who have no dreams or expectations that the future holds all kinds of possibilities. They may have had them once, but somewhere along the way the dreams were lost, defeated, or forgotten. What a sad surrender! There really is nothing like having dreams and believing in them. You must believe that you have what it takes to be successful. Have confidence that you can achieve superlative things! Expect that your choices and actions will affect the results in your life. You must also trust that you deserve to carry out your goals and dreams.

Expect problems and that you can get up if you fall

Turning problems into growth, bouncing back from tragedy, trauma and failure, believing that life’s difficulties are surmountable and that the future promises renewal and opportunity are the hallmarks of resilience. Resilient people believe that they can bounce back no matter how painful adversity, that they have the means to fight and win when the going gets tough. They know that by facing the dark clouds they will have the opportunity to become more confident, successful and powerful. Robert Strauss, the influential American politician and diplomat, offers an important guideline for persisting in difficult times: “It’s a bit like fighting a gorilla. You don’t give up when you’re tired, you give up when the gorilla is tired.”

The resilient individual knows the three important realities of adversity:

reality #1 — Bad things happen to everyone. Really bad things happen to a lot of people.

Reality #2 — We often have little or no control over the occurrence of traumatic events and serious problems.

Reality #3 — We have a choice in how we perceive, react and use these situations.

Some people expect to be overwhelmed by highly stressful events to the point of being out of commission; others expect to react with a diminished ability to cope with and enjoy life; and still others hope to return to pre-difficulty functioning or, even more surprising, to a state of increased strength, wisdom, commitment, and connection to life. When it comes to our ability to recover, we often perform at the level we’ve anticipated.

Understanding and accepting these realities are important steps on the road to resilience. Hardy people, who skillfully handle problems, are not lucky, they are skillful. They have beliefs, expectations, and behaviors that are adaptable and proactive. Hope that you can not only pick yourself up when you fall, but that you can turn your problems into opportunities and growth.

Accept the things that cannot be changed; expecting otherwise is a waste of time and energy

When determining the appropriate expectations, it is important to distinguish between what can be changed and what cannot be changed. Some people spend too much time and energy trying to change the unchangeable. Sometimes people are not even aware that they are chasing the absurd. Deluding yourself into believing that you can change someone or something that is immovable is a dead end endeavor.

Accepting those things that are inflexible is completely different from not caring or not trying to improve difficult situations or even looking for possibilities that are exaggerated. By identifying and accepting what is truly changeless, you will conserve your energy to move towards all possibilities.

Hope that negative events don’t last forever

Optimism has been extensively researched and the results are quite encouraging. Optimism reinforces mental and physical health, supports performance excellence and overall success, and engenders a positive inner world. In other words, being an optimist makes it more likely that many of life’s gifts will be available to you. Fortunately, optimism can be learned by anyone, even those who have been pessimists for a long time!

One of the hallmarks of optimism is the belief that when adversity occurs, it is not a permanent condition, that the consequences and their aftermath will not continue indefinitely. This expectation, that the effects of negative events have a statute of limitations, offers the beleaguered person hope and confidence and reinforces action.

If something negative happens to you, review your internal dialogue about the effects the event had on you. Do you tell yourself that the consequences of this event will go on and on? If so, challenge this type of thinking and replace it with more reasonable adaptive estimates of how long you expect the consequences to last. It makes a world of difference to move your thinking from a permanent to a limited time frame.

Hope that negative events will not affect other aspects of your life.

Understandably, when adversity strikes, people often think that the storm will cast a very long shadow. Another element of optimism is the belief that the effects of the negative situation are not generalized, that they do not have to go beyond the specific event or challenge. If the havoc spreads, it’s most likely because you expected it to.

When problems arise, what do you tell yourself about collateral damage? Do you think that other facets of your life are going to be affected by the black cloud? Evaluate your internal dialogue because it can be a real brake on action. Spend your focused mental energy on restricting the spread and recovering to get back on track.

Hubert Humphrey, the Vice President of the United States under Lyndon Johnson, once remarked, “Oh, my friend, it’s not what’s taken from you that counts. It’s what you do with what’s left.”

Expect your positive achievements and the gifts you possess to influence your future; be alert to unexpected gifts and opportunities

Some people overlook their positive achievements as if they were being chased by a lion. It’s a big mistake not to savor your victories and accept them as fuel for your ongoing journey! Another facet of optimism is paying special attention to the things you have accomplished, the things that are currently going well, and the gifts and opportunities that are coming your way. The optimist has the expectation that personal achievements and positive events will increase the likelihood that the future will be bright, have lasting value, be due to one’s efforts and abilities, and bring abundant sunshine.

Expect that you will have to change your assumptions and approach if something really doesn’t work.

Many of the clients I have seen over the years have had this difficulty. For whatever reason, they just haven’t realized that repeating the same behavior with a consistently undesirable result doesn’t make any sense. Or in some cases it has occurred to them, but they just don’t know what to do about it. Changing their minds and their behaviors is uncomfortable. They want things to work a certain way. “If I do this, I expect the world or the other person to do that.” When that result does not occur, frustration and anger often arise.

If your thinking and behavior don’t lead you to the conclusions you want, try something else! It may take several tries to find a more effective approach, or you may just be barking up the wrong tree. Oh well… cut your losses!

Now that I’ve discussed what to expect of yourself, look up my companion article on expectations: “The Tricky Maze of Expectations, Part 2: What Nope expect of oneself.” More information on this topic is available in my most recent book on Positive Psychology, It’s Your Little Red Wagon… Six Core Strengths to Navigate Your Path to the Good Life (Embrace the Power of Positive Psychology and Live Your Dreams)Available on Amazon.com.