Sometimes I hear of wives who feel a lot of anger and hatred towards their husband after they find out he is cheating or having an affair. Sometimes the intensity of these feelings takes these wives by surprise. They are stunned. Most will tell you that she is not the type of person to feel negative emotions like hate. Most can look the other way when someone upsets them. And most will tell you that they would never have believed they could hate the man they loved more than anyone else. Yet that is what they feel now: a white-hot hatred that takes over everything else.

Many are frightened by these feelings. Some have children and know that feeling this way towards the father of their children is not going to do anyone any good. Many wish they could stop the feelings in their tracks, but find they can’t just turn them off and on. They might say, “If you had told me five years ago that I would one day feel this kind of hatred toward my husband, I would have called you a liar. I adore my husband. I really do. That is, until I caught him cheating on me. Now I feel so angry and betrayed that I literally think I hate him. And that’s really hard for me because last week, I thought about how lucky I was and how much I loved him. But I can’t get over what he’s done to me and what he risked and maybe just throw it away. I have kids and a business with him though, so I know I can’t spend the rest of my life hating him. I know I need to eventually let go of these feelings, but I can’t even figure out how that would be possible. because I feel this suffocating anger every hour that I’m awake. I look at it and my blood boils. How do women not absolutely hate their husbands after infidelity?”

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I am willing to share some of my feelings with you in the hope that it will help. Not make mistakes. I was absolutely furious at my husband for cheating and at times thought about physically harming him (even though I know he never would have. I did destroy a lot of household items and keepsakes though). I really can’t exaggerate how angry he was. And so I stayed for quite some time. Right now, you can’t see past the anger, which is understandable. It may take a while for you to put that aside and think rationally. Don’t be so hard on yourself for it. It is normal.

In my own case, I came to learn that while I couldn’t turn off my feelings, I could redirect them. Like you, I didn’t want my kids exposed to any aspect of it, so if I was really upset when we were all together, I’d either be busy or apologize. If I was so angry that I might say or do something I regret, I would try to avoid or escape from the situation. He would wait to interact until another time. Or I would just tell my husband that I needed a break for a while and he would give it to me.

I have to admit that one thing that probably contributed to the fact that I don’t hold any hate anymore is that my husband did the right thing pretty quickly. He was sorry, ended the affair, and agreed to do whatever I wanted or needed. If he had dragged his feet on this, the result might have been different. He pretty much did what I asked, though we both had resentments and hurt feelings along the way.

At the end of the day, I didn’t carry that hate because I decided to hate the action and the behavior instead of the person. I hated the decision. I didn’t hate it. I can’t deny that good people sometimes do bad things and make mistakes. I had to look at our entire marriage and decide for myself if the good my husband had done outweighed the bad. The truth is that he was not even close. My husband has been a rock to my entire family for years and years. He has taken care of me and my children, thinking very little of himself. Did he do that when he cheated? Absolutely not. But he couldn’t deny years of good behavior for days of bad behavior. A very close relative of mine (now deceased) was an alcoholic. For this reason, part of my childhood was very painful and at times I have felt resentment and anger. But now that the family member is gone, I realize that I can hate the illness and still love the person. Otherwise, this family member was loving and kind. You cannot erase those qualities for a negative thing.