I sometimes hear from wives wondering when they will ever feel love for their husband again after he has been unfaithful or had an affair. Many can’t help but see it differently after infidelity. And some can’t imagine feeling the same way towards him again.

I heard from a wife who said, “I found out about my husband’s affair about four months ago. I decided to stay alone because of my children. I am totally committed to my family and would never let my children grow up in just one house.” parents house. However, I no longer have loving feelings towards my husband. I see it completely differently than he did before. I used to admire and respect my husband. Now I only see him as an impulsive loser. I always thought that he had a high degree of integrity. But now I see that he is just like any normal man with a weak mind. My friends say that I should give him more time because my husband is a good man. And I admit that he is really trying. do things right. But nothing he does pleases me anymore. I find myself rolling my eyes at the things he does and says. And I almost flinch if he approaches me or tries to touch me. This really worries me because I feel zero feelings of love towards him and I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my life. Is there any hope for us?”

There’s always hope. And yes, your feelings for your husband can and do return, as long as you are healed and as long as you believe he is truly sorry and rehabilitated. I will discuss this below.

Often the loving feelings go away because he hasn’t been acting very nice: Wives often feel very guilty when they no longer feel love. After all, this is her husband and they have committed to their marriage. Then they wonder why the feelings don’t add up. The reason is that you cannot master your emotions. Even if you command your brain to think a certain way, you can’t control the emotions that follow.

And frankly, you have a little reason to feel that way. After all, his actions weren’t the kind to inspire your love for him. We feel affectionate towards people when they are honest, caring and kind. Very few of those adjectives are applicable here. So it is very natural that your feelings for him are aligned with his actions and behaviors. Therefore, there is no reason for you to feel guilty or feel like you are doing something wrong. That said, it’s common sense that you can’t feel like this forever and expect your marriage to survive or be pleasant and fulfilling. Therefore, you need to actively try to heal and move further so that the feelings eventually return or recover. I will discuss how to do this below.

If you don’t think you’re sorry or on your way to full recovery, now is the time to talk: I often find that when anger or lack of love lingers, it is often because the wife feels that the husband is still getting away with it. Often, she believes that he has not yet paid the price for her shares or she feels that he is not really sorry or that she may cheat on him again in the future. If any of what you just read applies to you, then it’s time to be honest about what you need from him.

Because the truth is, until you feel like he’s really sorry and he’s done the necessary work to make sure he won’t cheat on you again, you’ll always be suspicious of him. And when you feel like this, you can’t welcome love. So when people tell me that they are still angry, resentful, or feeling none of the old love, I always suspect that there are still issues that have not been fully addressed or resolved.

Make sure your anger is not coming from other sources like yourself: Many times, wives will tell me that, in theory, their husband is doing everything right. He goes to counseling. He is being responsible. And he’s trying to be the right kind of husband. And yet, the anger is there but the loving feelings are not.

If this is the case, try to look honestly at the source of your anger. Because I find that sometimes we as women are a little bit mad at ourselves. We are angry that we let this happen or that we didn’t see it coming. And this kind of anger at ourselves can affect our ability to love or trust. If you have self-esteem issues that are a result of the affair, you’ll need to be honest and address those as well. Because if you’re still harboring self-doubt and anger at yourself, this may be ensuring that your defensive walls haven’t yet come down to allow you to love again.

By saying this, I don’t mean that any of this is your fault. It certainly isn’t. But sometimes, in order to get what we truly want and deserve from our marriage, we have to consider any issues we may have with both partners, including ourselves.